The Five Stages of Grief

By Jill Williamson

I’m currently working on a dystopian novel in which the village my main characters live in was attacked and all of my characters lost loved ones.

I know that this is a big deal, so I’ve been studying grief and how it affects people so that I can accurately portray that in my different characters.

In her book, On Death and Dying, published in 1969, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross proposed that there are five stages in the grieving process that people go through in reaction to the pain of loss: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. And people can grieve all types of things: the death of a loved one or pet, a divorce, the loss of a life dream, coping with a terminal illness, a major break-up, going to prison, and even the withdrawal of addictive substances.

Not everyone grieves in the same way, nor do these stages always come in order. Some people might progress straight through the stages. Some might bounce between them, going from anger to bargaining to depression and back to anger and so on. And some people might skip whole stages and not experience every single stage. And according to Kubler-Ross, women are more likely than men to experience all five stages.

There also isn’t a set time frame for people to heal. Some might go through the stages of grief quickly. Some may never get over it until they die, stuck forever in the denial stage.

The stages, commonly known by the acronym DABDA, are:

1. DENIAL- Numb with disbelief, your character might deny the loss in order to avoid the pain and protect himself from becoming completely overwhelmed. Life is meaningless. Nothing matters anymore. He may become isolated. Or he may go on as if nothing has happened.

Examples: A child grieving a divorce might believe his parents will change their mind and reconcile. A girl whose fiancé left her at the altar might be unable to concede that the relationship is really over. A guy whose father died might expect him home at the same time each day. And an addict might say, “I don’t have a problem. I can stop when I want.”

2. ANGER - As reality sets in and your character accepts the devastation has occurred, he is likely to get angry. He may lash out at everyone. He may look to blame someone: himself, another person, the deceased person, God. He may unintentionally or intentionally hurt people he loves to make himself feel better.

Examples: A child grieving a divorce might pick a parent to hate. A girl whose fiancé left her at the altar might send hate emails or phone calls, demanding to know why. A guy whose father died might accuse his mother of killing his dad, then feel guilty for saying such a thing and hate himself. And an addict might be angry they have this problem and look to blame someone who got them started.

3. BARGAINING – A million “if onlys” and “what ifs” will start running through your character’s head. He will want to go back in time and rewrite history. “If only I had been there. If only I hadn’t gone to that party. What if he would have stayed home that day? If only I hadn’t complained so much.” He might also try to bargain with God. “If you will bring him back, I’ll be a better son. I’ll dedicate my life to working with the elderly.

Examples: A child grieving a divorce might pitch in more at home in hopes that being perfect will mend what’s wrong. A girl whose fiancé left her at the altar might say, “Can we still be friends?” or “I can change!” A guy whose father died might wish he’d taken his father to a different doctor or done it earlier. And an addict might think, “God, I promise to never use again if you’ll only help me out of this trouble.”

4. DEPRESSION – About the time when most friends and family think your character should be over this already, he’ll be consumed with intense sadness. The magnitude of his loss is overwhelmingly depressing, and he feels as though it will last forever. He may isolate himself. Cry. He may reflect on all the bad times, wishing he could go back and do it differently. He may feel empty. Despair. There is no point in going on. He will not be talked out of his depression. He cannot snap out of it. Encouragement from others doesn't help. Nothing does.

5. ACCEPTANCE – This stage doesn’t mean your character is all better. He has just learned to accept and deal with the reality of his situation. It is permanent. And he will never be the same again. Sometimes the goal is to have more good days than bad. Happy moments might cause him to cycle back to guilt, thinking, “Why should I get to be happy when he is gone?” But he will learn to adjust his life to this new normal and get on with his life.

Sorry this is a depressing topic! But if you were to write about someone who is grieving a major loss, it’s important to understand these steps.

What do you think would be the most challenging thing in writing about grief?


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